I do not write things that people want to feel. I do not write things that I want to feel. I don't know how to, but I want to. I do. Honest to God, I do.
I stopped writing because it scared me. These words, these useless memories and wandering thoughts, the melodrama spelled and spilled out in so many words, so many lines of painful, pained text and pages of painfully purple prose.
Was any of it real? Was any of it true?
Well, I've never been so honest before. This is what I saw, and said, and thought. Here it is. Behold my heart upon my sleeve and these tears, still wet, upon my cheeks. Yet I'm convinced I've never written anything falser or more disgusting than all of which I've regurgitated into this virtual space. As if this space were my confessional, my personal urinal, Dump everything that is ugly in life Here, reads a sign in flashing neon (and yes, that is a lot of neon).
I don't believe in it. In any of what I've written. Just as I don't believe in umbrellas and I don't believe in shoes on a warm, dry day and I don't believe in casual sex and I don't believe in me. (That song from Hair plays in the background: "I believe in God, and I believe that God believes in Claude--that's me, that's me, that's me..." but alas! I am not Claude.) This little pet project that involves me being honest feels too much like manually filtering all the sewage flowing from my own house. I must be out my mind.
Tomorrow, I will begin to write things that people want to feel, things that I want to feel, things that I will feel.
How would you like to feel?
5 comments:
YES! I want some answers too! I've never thought about how I would LIKE to feel. I've only thought of how do I feel now? and though I feel comforted in knowing I can bring up questions to people I finally understand will listen, I want to be able to know what questions are in their minds. What answers have you thought of in response to your own questions? Are your questions similar/same as mine? I would like to know.
oh yeah, the "yes" part is cuz I saw your comments link was "__ answers"
Am I allowed to answer as well?
I'd like to feel happy.
And sharing in your thoughts makes me feel happy, in a way. I suppose this happy is multi-faceted too.
I hope to see you soon!
Dear Melody,
I think questions are more important than answers, though. They lead to more and better questions. Answers mark the end of thinking and represent the death of discussion. Their finality is a delusion even if their self-satisfaction is not.
In response to my own questions at the top of the page:
1) I'm not where I should be--I've been a nomad for three years now, and I miss the safety and sanity of stability. At the same time, I want to be in the right place before I stop moving, the problem being I can't tell right from wrong, so I can't stop just yet.
2) I'm not at all the person I want to be--I am at times, but generally, I'm too tired, or frustrated, or self-involved, or unhappy to be.
3) I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, but I have a plan for the next three years that will be.
I'm not sure if my questions are similar to yours...What questions do you have on your mind?
Dear Virginia,
It makes me happy to know that for you to share in my thoughts makes you happy! I never thought about it that way. I had assumed it was happy thoughts and happy writing that made people feel happy.
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